I had figured that, should I ever be in an argument in the real world, I would be pretty well-versed because I’d come across all of these things. However, this wasn’t quite the case. It seemed more like debaters were segregated by whether or not they appeared online. On the internet, I saw the things italicized above. In person, I heard more personal things, pertaining to feelings and experience.

If you’ve read older posts, you’d know that I am brought — against my will — to church every Sunday morning. As a minor, sixteen years old, there is nothing I can do about it if I want to see the light of day. Yesterday, the pastor at my mother’s church said something I recognized from the web (was it Ray Comfort?).  The sermon was titled “Adversity Leads to Apostasy” and was part of the series on our horrible, human mindsets. In this sermon that I tried to read a science-themed book through, I discovered that the pastor doesn’t believe in atheists.

From the best I can remember:

These so-called atheists… which I don’t actually believe exist… have this mindset. They couldn’t see God, something was taken away, and they cursed God to his face. I don’t believe atheists exist, though, and the reason for that is because everyone knows. As (I missed the name) said, there are no atheists in foxholes. We’d all be shouting, ‘oh god! Please!’ If you were to take someone to the edge of the Grand Canyon, they’d gasp and say, ‘god, how beautiful.’

So-called atheists know there’s a god. Why else would they spend so much time arguing it?! When they sneeze and are told, ‘god bless you’, they don’t bat an eyelash. If someone were to say, ‘tooth fairy bless you’, that person would be crazy.

I honestly don’t know what to say to people who claim atheists do not exist. I simply feel like I should disappear or something, and let them know I’m leaving so as not to rupture their asinine fantasies.

I don’t speak for other atheists, but I try to avoid this type of thing in general. I say “gesundheit” when somebody sneezes — a wish of good health in German. (If I recall correctly, the phrase “god bless you” originated from the superstition that the devil jumped into your mouth when you sneezed.) When I am in a bad situation that elicits a verbal reaction from me, it is usually a certain thing in gibberish, which is my replacement for curse words. (Like “frigamash”, haha.)

I, personally, find a value in having correct beliefs, and would rather all of my beliefs be true. It saddens me that people don’t care, and that I can’t even get them to so much as question a single thing. I criticize religion because I feel it is wrong to let it slide. Religion can and has caused people to do the wrong thing.

I assume that the pastor does not even know there is an atheist (or, there are atheists, perhaps) mixed into his audience. That, however, does not change that this is rather bigoted. It makes me want to pull my hair out, in all honesty. The ‘desire for god’ is not ‘written on my heart’.

The neighbor got ‘saved’. He asked the friend who brought him up what she was to him, and after she replied with ‘friend’, he stated that she was a great friend to give the gift of salvation. He then asked my mother what she was to the neighbor, and she replied with ‘neighbor’, saying that she brought him to church that day. The preacher said that my mother, too, was a good friend.

He moved on to pray over other people. After maybe ten minutes of this, my mother left the front and walked over to me with suppressed tears in her eyes. After she had calmed down and we were driving away from the church, she told me what was wrong:

I wanted to be prayed over, because Mark (my step father) always ignores me and it hurts. And then the pastor did the same thing as he does.

I tried to explain that, from where I was, it seemed like the preacher had the impression that she was there with our ‘saved’ neighbor. She didn’t listen to that reasoning.

My mother spent all day in a depressive mood, until my father left for the evening service at his church and told our other neighbor, Lilian, to come over to our house and talk to my mom. Lilian told my mother that the guest preacher just “knows so much”, and she heard him say that my mom was “a good Christian woman, and that god wants you to keep doing what you’re doing.” I personally didn’t hear that, but perhaps it was because I was getting irked by the fact that service was going about half an hour over the usual end-time.

These words from Lilian, however, cheered my mother up. Of course. Lilian also said to her that she should go to Sibby, the pastor, and tell him, “‘You know, I just really need to be prayed over.’ It worked with your back and it will work with this.” Yes, never mind the fact that my mother is still walking hunched-over with a hand supporting her spine, or that she’s still filling her Vicodin, Lyrica, and muscle-relaxer prescriptions.

Now, onto the real purpose of this post, as the title suggests. After saying the above to my mother, Lilian said, “And Tess could really benefit from being prayed over, too.” I was in the other room loading the dishwasher, and responded to this without missing a beat. I cannot remember my exact wording, but it was either “I don’t think so” or “Yeah, good luck with that.” My response earned me a, “That was very rude” from our neighbor.

I was too angered to reply to that. But, I must wonder where this woman gets the gull to say things like that. She asserted that my comment was rude, when she was the one suggesting that I should be subjected to the practices of beliefs which I do not hold and, quite frankly, find offensive and rather useless.

I no longer pretend to be a Christian, like I did through middle school. I most certainly am not going back to that.

Atheism – The Religion that believes there was nothing and nothing happened to nothing and then nothing magically exploded for no reason. creating everything and then a bunch of everything magically rearranged itself for no reason whatsoever into self-replicating bits which then lead to us.

That kind of grinds my gears, so after answering the original question, I put the following at the end:

And as for the additional details… Firstly, atheism is not a religion. It is a lack thereof.

Christianity – The religion that believes there was nothing and then a magical sky-man came to nothing and then nothing magically became everything because Mr. Sky-man said so. The magical sky-man created everything, including us, with the sound of his voice. But Mr. Sky-man? He was always here. No explanation for you.

Maybe someone who comes across this might get a chuckle. Or, at the very least, stop calling atheism a religion.

Edit: A minute after posting this, I was reading the other answers to the question. I suppose I should add “misconceptions” to the tags on this. I clicked to show an answer that was hidden due to low rating, and immediately *facepalmed*:

You have a grasp on the theory of nothing turning into biological matter and that is astounding.

It takes more faith to believe in Evolution than it does to believe in a creator.

NO. Evolution has nothing to do with the origins of life or how we got here. It’s sad that, after I’ve only taken one basic biology class (wherein the teacher forgot to even send me the materials on evolution, as I was home-tutored the second half of the year), I know this plain and well. Something tells me that this person is either a middle school student or was one of those kids who put up a fuss in science class.

Guess what, people: We have immune systems! Isn’t natural selection grand? After about a week of sniffling and coughing, you should be a-okay. Sometimes cancer goes into remission by itself. Sometimes doctors freaking work their butts off with the knowledge they spent years in school to attain, and then you get better.

Yes, immune systems, luck, and doctors. The driving forces behind getting well. Your prayer did nothing to heal your sickness.

This has been irritating me as of late. I have been reminded of the time I was in the hospital in October, 2009. I wont go much into detail of it, but I was very close to death. People enjoy reminding me of that fact, as they tell me how the prayers of a congregation had healed me.

(Click photo to enlarge.)

The prayers did not save me. The ambulance and the dedicated doctors and nurses of the hospital did. The IV and constant monitoring was much greater a help than the mumbling of twenty or so people.

What also aggravates me is the statement, “God works through doctors.” Yes, that is most certainly the case! It has nothing to do with college or medical technology. Heck, who needs that? If god is working through doctors, I say that all we need is a bed and a Christian in a lab coat (through whom god will work). Am I right?

…Yeah, good luck with that.

I have a clock. Yesterday, at 11:11AM, I made a wish on it. I’ll restate it here: “I wish I wouldn’t have tutoring today!” Now, I know what you’re thinking: You’ve probably wished on a clock before, too, or think that the practice is complete rubbish. But please, hear me out before jumping to conclusions!

I know, I surely do, about all the stories where people have wished at 11:11 and nothing happened. But, seriously, what do they expect? They probably weren’t wishing on the right type of clock, or they were wishing without sincerity. For all I know, they could have thought it was just a game, and it wouldn’t really work. How could you expect things to turn out in your favor if you aren’t going about it in the correct manner?

Now I’ll tell you about my own, personal experience. Yesterday morning, while I had chocolate cupcakes in the oven and was waiting on them to come out to start preparing the frosting, I noticed that the digital clock on the DVR said that it was 11:11AM. It was a Monday and I am a teenager, so I obviously wasn’t looking forward to tutoring. (Seriously, all we’ve been doing is review for the Regent exams!) So, looking at the clock, I made the wish above about being sparred from the two hours of headaches.

Later, around quarter till one, I was back in the kitchen preparing some chocolate frosting for the cooling cupcakes. Lo and behold, my tutor choose that moment to show up at my front door. I vaulted over the two gates between the kitchen and the hall (I have a sixteen month old nephew living with me, haha) and I started talking to her with a rubber spatula in my hands.

Me: You’re fifteen minutes early… and I’m, err, frosting cupcakes.
Tutor: I’m only ten…
Me: Well, since you’re early either way, can I frost them really quick before we start?
Tutor: Actually, you have no new work! I’m just here to pick up some of your finished English, and then I’ll be on my way.

As I jogged to my bedroom to grab a packet of journals written in response to prompts made by the teacher, I couldn’t believe it! My wish to the clock had been granted! I gave my tutor the packet with a smile, and then was soon back to happily frosting my cupcakes.

Now, I know you’re all wondering… what the heck does this have to do with the title? Well, in the case that a reader might still not realize it, I’d like to propose an idea — a new way of living, if you will.

I propose we all start turning to our clocks with all of our hopes and desires! Honestly, it is the obvious way to go. All over the place, you see people talking about how they are making wishes at 11:11. How could so many people be wrong?

There are even songs about clocks! Haven’t you heard the only that goes, “It’s five o’clock somewhere…”? That is a clear illustration of how clocks provide hope in ways other than simply granting wishes. And what about that other song, ‘Grandfather’s Clock‘? That is not only one of my fond childhood memories from elementary school music class, but it has a deep meaning. It shows the interpersonal relationship between clocks and their owners.

Again, I know, I know:

“That is complete and utter trash! Are you really so gullible? So, you got hit with a stroke of luck… it’s simple probability, you fool!”

“A clock isn’t anything sentient. I pity you’re mislead soul. You can’t see the clock doing things. There isn’t a book of eye-witness testimony about the life of a great clock.”

“Wishes at 11:11 are child’s play, simple superstition.”

I call you all blasphemers! The clock has done great things in my life! It’s digital, glowing lights that form beautiful numbers have lead me places. The practice of wishing to the clock gives me an awesome hope. The clock explains things modern science simply cannot touch.

Until you have a personal experience with a clock, you couldn’t possibly understand. Clocks are the very essence of time, and they have all of the time in the world. Clocks grant dreams in their own time. You just have to keep at it. A clock strikes 11:11 twice a day, which gives you plenty of time to relay to one your ambitions. Do not be discouraged if it doesn’t happen right away! Again, clocks work on their time. Also, clocks have this great way of knowing just what will and will not benefit you. The clock may disregard a wish if it is not in scope with the incredibly awesome things the clock has in store for you.

In conclusion, I hope you never look at your clock in the same way again. I hope that you will realize the raw power they hold. And I sincerely hope you can recognize a satire when it is biting you in the rear.

As the title says, this isn’t quite a golden calf. It is so much better than that!

So, it’s not as good as the one in the instructions, but this is still a kick-ass necklace! Maybe eventually, I’ll figure out a way to add some Noodly Appendages.

My parents bought him “My First Read and Learn Bible“. I’m not going to talk about the usual ‘this is child abuse’ view on childhood indoctrination, but rather how absurd I think this all is in general and a few speculations I have in how religious parents make it easier to instill beliefs into their children.

The actual bible itself is full of atrocious content. I’d imagine many parents would like to shelter their kids from those things, and the book my parents have for my nephew is a perfect example. It leaves out all of the unwholesome parts, and puts a nice, shiny view on the bible. This is how “My First Read and Learn Bible” tells the creation story:

God made the earth and the sun. He made the moon and the stars.

God made all the animals and plants that live on earth.
He made man and woman.
God looked at all He had done. And it was very good!

That’s the end of it. It skips a lot of things, including the fall, Cain and Abel, and that boring part where it talks about the family line from Adam to Noah. It doesn’t tell you that god made light before he made the sun, or that he made plants after light but before the sun so that you are left wondering if that light would drive photosynthesis or if the plants sat idle for a day waiting for the sun. On the next page, it jumps right into Noah and the story of the flood:
Noah was a good man. God told Noah to build a big boat.

He told Noah to get two of every kind of animal on the earth. The boat was big enough to hold them all.

A storm came. It rained for forty days and forty nights. The earth was flooded.

When the storm stopped, Noah sent a dove to find dry land.

The boat landed on top of a mountain. All the water was gone! A rainbow appeared in the sky. It was a sign from God.
Noah’s family and the animals left the boat. God had saved them from the flood.

After that, the book goes to Moses. But notice that it doesn’t say why god flooded the Earth. We can’t have kids knowing that god didn’t like humans! And surely, they would question the claim that god is all-loving when he kills everyone by means of drowning them. He could have at least done it in a more humane way, right? We definitely can’t have children wondering about those things.

I’m going to stop quoting the book. It goes on to tell that Moses’ mother put him in a basket in the river, the king’s daughter found him, he grew up to be a strong shepherd, and that god spoke to him. It says that god told Moses the king was cruel, explains that Moses’ people were slaves, then says Moses lead his people out of the desert.

Wait a second. It doesn’t talk about how god hardened Pharaoh’s heart. I suppose children would want to know why god did such a thing, because what if Pharaoh would have let the people go before god made him mean? It also fails to mention all the plagues god sent because he hardened Pharaoh’s heart to where he wouldn’t let Moses’ people go. Again, god is all-loving and we just can’t tell these innocent kids that he killed all of the first borns! No, god is a hero, and the book makes that clear by telling the little ones that god parted a sea so everyone could escape the king they didn’t know had his heart hardened by god.

The other sections of the book are: David and Goliath, Daniel and the Lions, Jesus is Born, The Shepherds and the Wise Men, Jesus Does God’s Work, and finally, Jesus and the Little Children. Yeah, the book ends talking about how Jesus loved all the little kids. Along the way, it fails to mention some wars, god telling people to kill many others and rip open their pregnant women, the parts about women being inferior, and what is supposed to be a very important part: the crucifixion.

Parents must not want to tell their children just yet about how god killed his son, who was really himself, because we’re all so freaking hopeless. I mean, I can see why that part isn’t in there, because the fall is not either. If they explained the crucifixion, they’d have to explain the fall as well, and that most certainly could not go smoothly.

“Mommy, daddy, I don’t get it! If eating that fruit would tell Adam and Eve what’s good and what’s bad, why weren’t they allowed to? You always say, ‘you know the difference between right and wrong!’ like it’s something that we really should know! And if god is everyone’s parent, then he should want that even more… right?”

“Wait, that sounds wrong. Eating that means they learn right from wrong. So, before eating, they wouldn’t know. If god made them so they didn’t know good from bad, how can he expect them to use a skill he didn’t give them to know they shouldn’t do something?”

I would imagine the crucifixion would also bring up unwanted questions.

“Why did god have to kill Jesus? Couldn’t he have put us all in time out? If one of you did that to me, Child Protective Services would put you in prison!”

“I thought god was all-loving, though…”

“If god can do anything, why couldn’t he just get rid of sin entirely? We would still be able to do what we wanted, except the bad things. Like, god didn’t make us to get from here to school really fast, but he made us so we could have cars. We still have a choice there.”

But the writer of this book, and the parents who buy it and teach it to their children, cleverly bypass all these things. I remember when I was in elementary school, I had a children’s bible. It didn’t leave out as much as my nephew’s does, but did make everything seem nice. I never wondered why the crucifixion would be seen as disgusting, because the book assured me that god did it because he loved me, and it made it seem like there were no other options. But notice that mine did include some of these things that the “My First Read and Learn Bible” does not. That is because it was given to me as an elementary student and not a toddler. If I could remember what I was taught back then, I’m sure it would match the teachings of my nephew’s book.

What I’m trying to say here is that I think kids are slowly eased into Christianity. They start by only telling them the good things, then it sugar-coats the questionable, until you are old enough (and already think it is true) and are told that god killed people in that flood, and Jesus had to die because god wouldn’t let us live with him forever unless our nature, which he created and finds despicable, is covered up by blood.

I think that all this says a lot about the religion. It is too extreme for one to just jump right into, and instead many are slowly eased into things.

In any case, you could imagine how many ridiculous arguments I hear for the Christian god. I’d like to talk about one here for my first blog post. The pastor was giving his sermon, and started talking about how it’s apparently easy to see god exists:

“Everyone just intuitively knows that god is there and that he created this world. Even if you were to take a person and shelter them from all outside information, not teaching them a thing, that would be the conclusion they would draw. The first time you took them outside, if you asked them, ‘where do you think this all came from?’ They would then answer you, ‘someone must have made it’, for that is the logical explanation for it all.”

I don’t know what I would classify this as. Appeal to popularity? Argument from ignorance? Well, of course ignorance plays an important role. The pastor thought he was showing his faith in a positive light, saying that someone would naturally come to that conclusion without being told anything about the question or its answers beforehand. But, rather, all he showed was that  (if his hypothesis proved to be correct, at least) people who don’t know better acquire a faith in god. Of course if you were to not teach anything to a person, they would come to the wrong conclusion!

This, though, is not what his congregation thought. They just nodded or said an “a men”. Quite a pity that they have been jaded to irrational arguments so much that they didn’t realize their religion was, in fact, just insulted.